Funnies 2


WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!!

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.

HE
: I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
SHE
: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

HE
:
 Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE
: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.

HE
: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE
: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay,,, get out.

HE
: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?


HE
: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

HE
: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don’t you already have one?

HE
: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I’ve already seen it.

HE
: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE
: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE
: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and so is that one right over there.

HE
: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.

HE
: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE
: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE
: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

 

True   Friendship… SCOTTISH STYLE!! 

(None of that Sissy Crap)

Are you tired of those piss weak ’friendship’ poems that always sound good, but ne ver actually come close to reality?   Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card . Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.   
 

1. When you are sad –  I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad. 

 

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 

3. When you smile — I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 

 

4. When you are scared — I will take the piss out of you every chance I get until you’re NOT.

 

5. When you are worried — I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until   YOU STOP WHINING!

 

6. When you are confused — I will try to use only little words.

 

7. When you are sick  Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.  I don’t want whatever you have.

 

8. When you fall, I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse,

but I’ll help you up.

 

9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask;

Because you are my friend.

 

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

 

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

 ****

I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. she asked me quite a few questions which I answered.
She said I had to stop masturbating.
When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you and I don’t have many tissues left!”

I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a girl hiding behind a gravestone.
I said “morning.”
She replied, “No, just having a wee.”

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

 We’ve all talked to this guyAt last….a picture of him.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in  India .

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ’Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ’Mister Manager, I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ’The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have.

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’  his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ’I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘Don’t give me that crap You lying fool!  You’ve been playing golf all bloody day again!’

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.  The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!  Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!  ‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ’I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.  It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.  ‘I have something to show you that you won’t believe,’  he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

“Oh my gosh!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

 

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.  ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’  She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.. 

‘What’s this?’  the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.  ’The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.  Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.  ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.  I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a darn thing.’

 

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One cent?’ the man exclaimed.  He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.  ’Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’


The 6th Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said  weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to’,  his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.  I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied.  ’Now just rest and let the poison work.’

 

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION 

1              Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2              hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3              wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4              thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5              finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6              measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7              breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8              vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9              knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10           classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11           dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12           promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13           executed as soon as possible.

**Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

 

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope,

under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them

all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,

because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to choose that person,

until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,

as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her

husband and kids or for men in general, and was

used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,

all the men started clapping .

 

Cowboy’s Honeymoon

  
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, ‘We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, ‘You want the ‘Bridal’?’

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.

 

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..
Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. box said ‘ 2-4 years!’

April
Trapped on escalator for hours … power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of
water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm….. car swamped because top was down.

September
The capital of  California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???

October
Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn’t call 911. ‘duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!! 

 

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR – SO FAR 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut 
and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ‘Is something wrong?’

To which she replied, ‘There certainly is!’ 

(Are you ready? This is a beauty…)


‘My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL!’

 

A .45 calibre round makes a pretty big hole,

I can just imagine how the conversation went:

 

“Check out my new .45,

it has a really great trigger pull”……..

nice squeeze …………

 

Bang!!!!………..

 

Oh Shit…………

 

OUCH!”

 

 

Shot Shoe

 

Shot Foot

 

Off to Walmart for some new shoes….

and a book on how to handle handguns..

 

CANNON BALLS!!!    DID YOU KNOW THIS?

cid:1.1337402478@web28001.mail.ukl.yahoo.com
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem — how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass – hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.


Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

cid:2.1337402479@web28001.mail.ukl.yahoo.comThus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

 

   

Lovemaking tips for Seniors


1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want… the neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

 

Blind Man Joke 

 
A blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  

 He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.   

 After sitting there for awhile and finishing his third drink he yells:
“Hey, you all wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar falls absolutely silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,  

 “Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a BIG blonde girl.
3. I am a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and an Olympic weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is also blonde and is a professional wrestler.

“Now, think about it seriously mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Nope, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.



9 thoughts on “Funnies 2

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