Funnies 3

A man was riding his Harley beside a  Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.

‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’ The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to  New Zealand  so I can ride over anytime I want.’ The Lord said; ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy’.

The Lord replied;
‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 

Subject: Communication ! 

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned
her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and
 gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…


(Please scroll down.)

.


          What were you thinking?

                       .

                       .
                 Hellooooooo,

            her  husband  speaks  English!!!!!! 

 

Now get back to your emails.

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ’0ral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.’


The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.

‘What happened!?’ they cried.

The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked.’

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

 

  

Subject:  Celebrity Golf Match

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.  Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that going right now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves  to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the next shot till I get to the green.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the  ball toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Sure, Just pick a night.”

 

 

 

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

 The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

 As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. 

I finally arrived an hour late.  I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologised to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. 

I played out my heart and soul. 

As I played the workers began to weep.

I played, and I played, like I’d never played before: From My Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest .

 

I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. 

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another ‘Jeezuz, Mary and Joseph, 

I’ve never seen anything like that before….

and I have been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!!’

 

 

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took
her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her 
‘Pussycat.’

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us
know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said,
‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’ He reminded the vet that
it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and
my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and
my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’. They love to hate each other and
constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last
word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting
room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side
door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, “Your
wife’s pu ssy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!” Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even

  

THE VICAR’S SALARY

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the district, stands up
and proclaims;  ’ If the Vicar stays I will provide him with a new
Holden every year and his wife a Honda mini-van to transport their
children ! ‘

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, ‘
If the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
for his children ! ‘

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, aged 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘ If the Vicar
stays I will give him sex ! ‘

There is total silence within the congregation.

The Vicar, blushing, asks her, ‘ Mrs Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy
lady, but whatever possessed you to say that ? ‘

Agnes’s 90 year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, ‘ Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help and he said, ‘ F**k him ‘.

  

IRISH SAUSAGES


  Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints 
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed  them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even start to remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’  

  

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opened new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked ‘What you sell?’

One of the men replied sarcastically, ‘We’re selling arseholes.’

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, ‘You doing velly well, only two left!’

 

 

 Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?


Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

 

 

 

 

 

It’s because she smells like a nice new golf bag.

 

 

   A.   life must be hard being a chicken egg…. you only get laid once… you only get smashed once… and the only bird to sit on your face is your mum. :)

 

   B.   Little boy in the bath with mum. Boy says ‘what’s that hairy thing?’ mum says ‘its my sponge’ boy says ‘oh yeah i saw auntie Kim washing dads face with hers !

 

   C.   I got a new radio 4 my car. I say Rock, it plays Rock. I say Rap, it plays Rap. 2 kids ran in front of me, so i said f***ing kids, it played Michael Jackson! !

 

   D.    Crlsaberg dnont do slydexics, btu fi tyhe did thye wolud be teh bste slydexics in teh wrold

 

   E.    Humpty dumpty sat on a rock, little bo peep was sucking His cock. As soon as he came she stared to weep, she knew by the taste he’d been fucking her sheep

 

   F.    If the Africans live in mud huts and have to walk 5 miles everyday for water… why not just build the huts closer to the water, its not exactly rocket Science is it.

 

   G.    jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick Jill’s fanny. jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, cause Jill’s a pre-op tranny!!

 

   H.   what’s the difference is between a cockerel and a prostitute…A cockerel go’s cockaa doodle doo, and a prostitute go’s any cockle doo

 

   I.    “Two sperms racing. One says, “Fuck me this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?”..The other says “Ages..Were just past the tonsils!

 

 

   J.   Ever wondered why blind folk don’t bungee jump? Cos ‘ it scares the shit out of their dogs!

 

SUPERMAN

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open Superman thought to himself, “I’m faster than a bullet. I could be in there, have sex and be out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said:
“Did you hear something?”
“No” said the Invisible Man, “But my ass suddenly hurts like hell!”

 

 

I am wiser now

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 18 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I was lucky to find a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 32 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am much older and wiser now. I’m looking for a girl with big tits.

What goes wrong when someone who is ESL (english as a second language) writes the punch line for Gaviscon…  

 

Come in my mouth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is one for the men ouch!!!!!!!

 

Today, I woke up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big whack on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too damn hot. 

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that threw me on my ass.

The telephone rang, it was the office telling me that last night my safe was broken into and everything was taken.

I decided this was the right time to take a nice hot shower and meditate to bring down my stress and help me to relax.

That’s when it happened..

(((keep scrolling down))) < /FONT> 

 

 

 

 


 

  

 

 

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Scottish and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape.

I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.’

‘Well,’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?’

‘Who said my Dad’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Scottish golfer. ‘In fact he golfed wi’ me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Scottish and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my grandad’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’ s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin’ because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’

‘In fact, I do,’ said the old man. ‘After I have sex with my wife, I’m
usually hot and sweaty; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly.’

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: ‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time; and then cold and chilly after the second time.. Do you know why?’

‘Oh, for Pete’s sake – that crazy old git!’ she replied. ‘That’s
because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is in
December.’



Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says “Do you know the limit is 70?” The driver leans into the back and says “hear that – 3 of you have got to get out”. 

>>>>>>>

4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps. 

>>>>

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.”Bollocks to that” said Paddy “that’s the last time I go lion dancing” 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IK EA . 

>>>>>>>>

2 men are at the opposite sides of the World but are thinking exactly the same thing. One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers and the other is receiving a blow job from an 85 year old woman. What are they both thinking? Don’t look down. Just don’t look down. 

 

Rare Disease (the guys are going to love this one!)

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’

The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!’

Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks.  Faw off by itself!’

 

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.

OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic.  But let me ask you a question first.

 A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’ 


The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea…..’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?


A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener’s lives.  

The final four were: 

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  

I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.  

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s willie last night.’

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.  

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.  

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

(Heaven only knows what the other three was)

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