Funny

Funny cartoons and jokes ……. well they made me laugh anyway, that’s how they got in

 

This is a cracker I hope you’re not Irish



 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’ 
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 

‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry. 

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. 

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor   Pass.   

At the Connor   Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place..’ 

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’ 

THERE’S MORE. .. 


Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. 


He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 


‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says. 


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. 


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. 


Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body

Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’ 


IT IS NOT OVER YET… 


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. 


He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. 


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 


‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’

 


        Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax  and….. OH, MY GOD !Silence  followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and  gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you
 . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’ One Irish passenger yelled, ‘bae  jazus you should see the back of mine! ‘ 
 

 


 ___________________________________

 

 

Don’t ya just love the Irish ones….…. enjoy!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.

He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”

Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I
didn’t know we had a choice!”

—————————–oOo—————————-

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!”

—————————–oOo—————————-

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.    She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says  “You know what I want don’t you ?”

“Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole friggin’ bed by the looks of it!”

—————————–oOo—————————-
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

—————————–oOo—————————-

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking  like mad in the garden. Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks “What did you do?”
Paddy replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden.
Let’s see how they like it!”

—————————–oOo—————————-

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

“Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

—————————–oOo—————————-

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.   Mick says “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!”

Paddy says “What’s his name?”

Mick replies “Miles, from London !”

 

 

 

‘Holy Prostitutes’

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…..It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought….

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for
you my son?’


He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

The Human Body! 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach. 


One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man’s penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your
feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste
it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

 

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.   

 

 

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Brit are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, ‘In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’

 

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he’s a good Muslim), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’

 

The Brit, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, ‘In Britain we have so many illegal immigrants that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’

God Bless Great Britain

Quickies…. I like those too.

 

I dialled a number and got the following recording:

“I am not available right now, but

Thank you for caring enough to call.  

I am making some changes in my life.  

Please leave a message after the  

Beep. If I do not return your call,  

You are one of the changes.”

 

~~~~~  

My wife and I had words,  

But I didn’t get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. .

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time   

to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,  

But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.   

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!”

 

*******************************************

 

What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

and Panic is when both are pregnant.

 

****************************************

   

A women asks man who is travelling with six children,

“Are all these kids yours?”

The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these

are customer complaints”.

 

*********************************************************

 

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?”

Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that.

Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.”

ZEN   Teachings 

1.
  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.


2.
  Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. 


4.
  Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. 

5.
  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.
  If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 

7.
  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 

8.
  If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

9.
  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

10. 
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 

11. 
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12.
 Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 

13.
 Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 

14.
 Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment. 

15.
 A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

16.
 There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 

17.
 Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving. 

18.
 Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. 

19.
 We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse…. then things just keep getting worse. 

20.
 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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