Jokes

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.

‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ she asks.

‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’

‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember 

about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding 

rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’

‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.

‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.

‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.

‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.

‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.

 

 

Nymphomaniac Convention   A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.’Hello’, he blurted out, ‘Business trip or vacation?’ She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..‘He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention? ‘‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’
‘Well,’ she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.  We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.’

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’

‘Tonto,’ the man said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.’

 


 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?  He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T errors before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T  
 

Joke of the dayHe’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when Little Tony came into the house and asked his Grandma ‘what’s that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling’He just said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you’

 

Chinese Doctor

While in  China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. 

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: ‘I’ve got bad news for you — you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’


The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.’

The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!

‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry!  Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

 

 

 

How to Make a Woman Happy


It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39.=2 0courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

 

 

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HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon…………
 

This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. 

 
It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY……) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ’6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too! 
 
 __________________________________________________________________

 

 

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. 


In court, the lorry company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

‘Didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Seamus said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….’

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.


However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now what the F*ck would you say?’

                                 

 

The Global Facts … At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: One (1) lonely s.o.b. is reading emails…

- You hang in there sunshine!

 

 

A dentist named Jack and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, Jack takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, ‘You must be a dentist.’

Jack, surprised, says ‘Yes….how did you figure that out?’

‘Easy,’ she replied, ‘you keep washing your hands.’

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, ‘You must be a good dentist.’

Jack, now smiling with a boosted ego says, ‘Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?’

‘Didn’t feel a thing!’

 

 

The following questions were set in the GCSE examinations in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

 

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

 

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire or Dew is also formed by not paying your bills earlier and then they become dew

 

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

 

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

 

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

 

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg  the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

 

Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie

 

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean

A. Nearby

 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

 

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 

Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor

 

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport

 

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

 

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

 

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

 

Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 

 

 

 

With age comes wisdom.

 

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

‘Pick me up.  ‘He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride! 

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket.

Then the frog said, ‘What,, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

‘Nah,,, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’

(With age comes wisdom.)

 

 

 

 

Subject: Obama and MaCain

 

 

John S. McCain and Barack Hussein Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. 
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.  
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.  
Obama was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse,’


The second barber turned to McCain and said, ‘How about you, Senator?’ 
McCain replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife Cindy doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’

 

 

 

THE SNEEZE

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman,

“I couldn’t help but notice” he said, “that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you,” she replied. “I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Black Pepper.” 

 

 

 

 cid:1.1564419448@web53206.mail.re2.yahoo.com

 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. 
 
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred-ten?’
She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’ 

 
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. 

 
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. 

 
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’ 

 
She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ 

 
If you’re not sure what a 710 is scroll down
……

 

 

 

 

 

Dumd Blond

710

 

 

 

 


 

 

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

 

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.

Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more.

Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

 

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.

She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.

Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

 

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