This is a real letter that was sent to the Secretary of State.
NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND,
LIPHOOK, GU30 7JT.
Rt Hon William Hague MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
17 Smith Square
SW1P 3JR 16 July 2014
Dear Mr Secretary of State,
I hope this letter finds you well. My friend, who is in farming has recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these types of pigs?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a generous cheque for not rearing any.
Apparently I will receive £3,000 per month for not rearing 100 pigs, and £6,000 for not rearing 200? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to not raising 8,000 pigs, which I understand will pay me £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 80,000 pigs not reared in my second year and although Its seems that I don’t get paid as much for each pig I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: I understand that the Common Agricultural Agency within the EU also pay farmers for not growing crops. These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs that I don’t rear?
I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
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Nat Cham wrote this letter as additional information on a couple of job applications. He id posing as a Psychotic Maniac just out of hospital trying to get a job to see what reaction he would get and to see if he would get a reply. Of course he didn’t use his real name
Dear Sir, recently I sent you my CV and copies of all my Qualifications for the post of Senior Architect. As you will see I am more that suitably qualified.
On the application form where it asks if I have any convictions, I did not have sufficient room in the box supplied so I have written this on a separate piece of paper as requested.
I think I must tell you that the recent reports of my activity on TV was not the opinion held by the BBC.
The recent court case of forgery which you may have read recently of me, I feel they did not show me in a good light, even though I intend to show the court letters of my exemplary character and fortitude. All hand written letters by the Pope, President Obama, Nelson Mandela and the Queen of England showed that these and the 43 other allegations made over the last 12 years were totally untrue and without much foundation.
The silly little charges of embezzlement and misappropriation of funds can be easily explained, the 5 million pound yacht in the Mediterranean, the luxury houses and all the holidays around the world, as I explained was a slight and easy oversight to make. I was not familiar with the paper work and anyone could have made the same mistakes.
I had no intention to defraud whatsoever, and on my behalf I agreed with the judge on a minor error that I made, namely that the purchase deeds should have been put in the company name and not that of mine and my fictitious sons.
And of those 20 people I allegedly and mistakenly slaughtered and murdered in Bosnia 12 years ago. At my Court-Martial, as I told them I felt I was most unlucky. I accidentally shot one of the natives in the leg and it just seemed to quickly develop and get right out of hand from there on. This was totally out of character for me, before the Bosnia incident I had an exemplary record, (Apart from when I was serving in North Africa where there was the usual few prankish shootings robbing and raping here and there of course, but everyone does that there.)
I had said sorry to a couple of the survivors and they waived there arm at me if they could as I left, so it they seemed happy with that. Even my C/O and the Doctors defended me to the court and reported that if I keep taking my medication this type of thing would probably never happen again.
I have made such a good improvement in Hospital over the last few years that I think they are considering letting me out because I am writing this from the ward now, as they are letting me mix with people again. On a trial Period.
I was disappointed to be discharged out of the Royal Airforce, it seemed so harsh.
I would just like to add that even though more of these silly little rumours keep arising there is no evidence or proof that has been lodged with any of the authorities and will probably in any case be slightly exaggerated as they all mean to get me, but we all have our little Skeletons, it’s probably the same for you.
So I hope this makes you feel a lot better and more comfortable about my application.
Thank you for you consideration.