Rude Jokes

Subject: text messages – NOT FOR KIDS or the Narrow Minded

 

Paddy and his missus on the bed, she’s got crotchless panties on. She says paddy lick this, ya big sexy bastard! He says “you can get lost, look what it’s done to your knickers!”

 

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.

 

Paddy the farmer gets a visit from the vet. Vet says, ‘Do you know all your cattle have Bluetongue?’ Paddy says ‘I didn’t even know they had fucking mobiles!’

 

Text this to a friend

Just went on EBAY lookin 4 a Dictaphone

They gave me your number!

 

Couple driving home through a forest run over a badger, they get out and find it’s still breathing but freezing cold. He says to his missus “Put it between your legs to warm it up”, she says “But it’s all wet and it stinks”, he says “Well hold it’s fucking nose then!!”

 

Broke my record on Saturday night for continual sex, 1hour and 2min,then realised the fucking clocks had gone forward!

  

“Bra Sizes”

Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the Letters

used to define bra sizes? But couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for. Well its time you became informed!

(A) Almost tits.

(B) Barely there.

(C) Can’t Complain!

(D) Damn!

(DD) Double Damn!

(E) Enormous!

(F) Fake.

(G) Get a Reduction.

(H )Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

 

Jonathon Ross has been arrested for nicking a kitchen utensil from Debenhams. He said in a statement, it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

 

Bloke says to his mate… I’ve been taking steroids and I’ve grown an extra cock. His mate says… Anabolic? And the bloke says… No, just a cock.

 

Mick Hucknall’s been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit. A police source said he was holding back the ears & singing bunny’s 2 tight 2 mention.

 

Paddy goes to the library and asks for a book called Psycho – The Rapist and gives her a reference number. The librarian came back and says, “It’s called Psychotherapist, sorry to disappoint you!”

 

FOR FUCK SAKE! I’m so pissed off. Decided to do my bit for Help The Disabled Day. Took 3 retards out – lost 1 in Tesco, 1 in McDonalds, where the fuck are u?!

 

I applied for a job at a mental hospice they said I need 24 hours experience with a retard.

What you up to tomorrow?

 

Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for the UK tour. They are Joe age 4, David age 5, Colin age 6 and Andrew age 7.

 

Prostitute doing her tax returns. She puts down Prostitution as job. Taxman says, “U can’t put that down as its illegal.” “Ok then, put down Chicken Farmer.” “How do u make that out……?” “Well I raised over a 1000 cocks last year………….!”

 

Husband to wife. We should start washing your knickers’ in slim fast it might make your fat arse thinner. Next day he puts his pants on and they are covered in powder. He says to wife did u put talc powder in them? No she says its effing ‘Miracle Grow’ !

 

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arsehole. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper ”Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream ?” The shopkeeper replies ”Aye we do, does tha want a magnum or cornetto?”

 

Men are like chocolate…… You fine then in bars, they head straight for your thigh’s, and never last long enough to satisfy you!

 

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.

 

A woman walks into a bar & orders a bottle of Crystal champagne. She lifts her skirt, takes down her thong & pours the champagne all over her pussy. The barman is amazed & asks “Why did you do that?” She replies “I’ve just won the lottery & that’s the only cunt I’m sharing it with!!”

 

Just been done by the police. According to the court’s, wrapping your cock in the Beano and wanking is not Comic Relief!

 

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoeevr, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

 

Just been 2 the gym and there’s a new machine, only used it for an hour as i started to feel sick! Its good though – it does everything…. Kit Kats, Mars bars, snickers, crisps.

 

A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about “Involuntary Muscle Contractions”. To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, “For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?” She replies, “Probably having a pint with his mates”.

 

How many animals can u fit into a pair of tights? 2 calf’s, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the occasional cock. And 1 dead fish no bugger can find.

 

Guy in hospital with 60% burns, Dr says ‘give him 2 Viagra’s’. Nurse asks ‘do u think that’ll help?’, Dr replies ‘no but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs

 

Man gets up to find wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan. What r u doing’ he asks. Wife says I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came in drunk’ Puzzled the man walks away thinking ‘I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock’

 

Paddy asks Murphy ‘Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?’ to which Murphy replies ‘You thick twat Paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be on the fucking boat!’

 

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and ingredients, they just need a tosser.

  

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life the husband was the first to go, and true to his

word he made contact ?.. ‘Mary. Mary.’

‘Is that you, Fred?’

‘Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.’

‘What’s it like?’

‘Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun

and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.’

‘Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.’

‘Not exactly, I’m a rabbit in Suffolk .’

 

Valentine’s day… Secretly guys feel left out. There is no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation to the man in their life. March 20th is now officially ‘steak, blow job, & shut the fuck up day ‘. Simple, effective, and self explanatory. No cards. No flowers. No fancy meal. Just a steak, a blow job and shut the fuck up for the rest of the day. That’s it! Spread the word, and help men feel appreciated!

 

They said a flower couldn’t signify love, the Rose managed it. They said a plant couldn’t survive without water, the Cactus managed it. They said a Vegetable couldn’t read text messages…. Well done, I’m sooo proud of you my little cabbage!

 

This is the last time I take a group of mentally handicap people shoppin. I’ve lost 1 in town, 1 at KFC, 1 on the bus & where the fukin hell are u ? !

 

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones. A spokesman said ‘ Dubai people won’t understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi Do’

 

2 Mexicans lost in a desert, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon, smoked, crispy juicy bacon… “Hey pepe” says the first ” ees a bacon tree, we r saved! ” then runs 2 the tree, as he gets within 5 feet of it he’s gunned down in a hail of bullets. Second Mexican shouts pepe what happened? With last breath pepe shouts “run amigo, ees not a bacon tree… ees a ham bush!”

How do u teach a blonde maths ?

Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn’t multiply !

 

Two women on their way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a wee. One wipes her pussy with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath. Their two husbands were in the pub the next day. One says, “I’d better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on.” The other man says, “That’s Nothing, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying, We’ll never forget you. From all the boys at the fire station.

 

Big Bad wolf said 2 little red ridin hood unbutton ur top & let me suck ur tits! “No chance” she said pullin down her knickers “you can get that mouth round this and eat me like it says in the book!”

2 thoughts on “Rude Jokes

  1. Hi, I found your site for the first time tonight and I’m rather glad that I came.
    Since I can’t remember which; perhaps dubious set of words I typed into which search engine then you will have to receive all my thanks for the fact that my cup truly runneth over. Please accept these anagrams as a token of my appreciation.
    Hope it’s ok to leave them here, it seems quite an appropriate place for them.

    Life Sucks — I fuck less!
    I have a large penis — I please her vagina
    I have a large penis — He is plain average
    The traveling salesman — Vaginas: enters them all!
    Large breasts — Great braless
    Sleeping together — Get their legs open
    Feeling romantic — Flaming erection!
    Erotic massage — Orgasmic tease
    See-through panties — Her naughtiest pose
    Giant breasts — Tits bang ears!

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